From the first time I came out, there was an air of
pressure. Pressure to be sure, certain, solid in what I was saying as though
once the words rolled off my tongue to hang in the air, once my thoughts were
laid open for others to see, they became something immutable. Permanent. I had
from a young age picked up on two things about declaring an identity in our
society: one, that it would not be without consequence, and two, that people
who changed their minds about their identities were ‘attention seekers’ and
‘fakers’, and held in poor regard by gay and straight people alike.
Now, if
we’re speaking from an educated standpoint we know that there’s more to it than
that, that gender and sexuality can be fluid and there are many people for whom
labels will change, but in the broader cultural context there is not nearly
enough appreciation for the process of questioning.
This not only adds to the difficulties some folks experience
in coming out, but can be particularly damaging for certain identities- as a
bisexual person, I have noticed that many negative stereotypes about bisexuals
seem to stem from a loathing for uncertainty.
For example, many times I have
heard bisexuality stigmatized as being confused, a stepping stone to coming out
as gay or lesbian, being unsure what we want, or more likely to cheat because
we can’t ‘choose’ one gender. Now, I could go on ad infinitum about all the
things wrong with these statements. Today though, I want to focus in on a
common thread that runs through these assumptions: the idea that a choice must be made. It frames uncertainty as the
enemy. Now, bisexuality itself is not uncertain- it’s as solid of an identity as any.
I’m bisexual regardless of the
gender of any partners I have had or will have, and I have no need to choose a
single gender to be attracted to. My question is why the idea of uncertainty is
weaponized against identities, as though there’s something wrong with
continuing to explore yourself.
Why should we allow the potential for growth in our self-understanding
to be used to hold us back or as a smear campaign against identities? For a lot
of people it’s natural to be averse to questioning- it can be a painful time,
and the certainty of belonging to a group can be a great comfort. However,
questioning is not inherently bad. If we truly want to embrace our rich
spectrum of gender and sexual identities, we have to knock it off with our
insistence on being certain. If someone changes their label, that’s great!
They’ve found a new understanding of themselves! Give folks the ability to try
on labels and see what fits without judging the person (or the label for that
matter) if they experience changes.
If you’re still questioning, be gentle with yourself - allow
yourself the room to breathe and grow. Some of us are on a quick trip and
others might be traveling their whole lives, and that’s alright.
Blog submitted by Dana Lund
