Love and Feminism
The
feminist fight takes on many forms, politically, globally, and personally, but I
feel as feminists, we forget to take care of the home front. What I mean is our
romantic relationships. It’s so easy to
get caught up in the issues that garner the most attention and publicity like
reproductive rights, marriage equality,
and the gender wage gap—all very important and necessary—but are we failing to
challenge patriarchy and oppression in our homes? Are our dating, mating and
marriage practices in alignment with our feminist principles of equity,
collaboration, and the dismantling power and privilege? What I hope to examine
in this blog is what a romantic relationship look like when we practice
feminist principles. My disclaimer is that I can only speak from my own
experiences in a heterosexual relationship with a male identified man who also
is a feminist. I am sure I will not be able to create a complete picture of
what a feminist relationship is but I do hope to at least begin by sketching
out what I have tried to achieve in my own partnership.
Acknowledgement of Sexism and Patriarchy
I think we can all agree that
sexism and misogyny is a huge problem in our society and in the world. Nothing
gets me as a feminist and as a woman more frustrated and dare I say angry when
people—men and women—deny that sexism is a problem. That sexism as a systematic
whole doesn’t really exist and that it’s some people who may have sexist
beliefs but we as a society are not oppressive to women. A feminist
relationship acknowledges that we are in a patriarchal society that values one
gender over another, that rape culture and the wage gap does indeed exist. That
this society and most of the world holds patriarchal values that keeps
masculinity and men’s experiences as the standard or norm and anything else as
other. Without this acknowledgement, a
relationship cannot be based in feminist principles, nor does the partner align
with feminist values. And sometimes, the hard truth is we may be feminist and fighting
the good fight, but our partners can be ambivalent non-feminists or worse
anti-feminists who find the women’s rights and LGBTQ+ rights movement a threat
to their core values.
Commitment to Equity and a True Partnership
I
believe everyone has a “list” of what characteristics they want in a life-long
mate. My deal maker and deal breaker was the fundamental ideological belief
that I as a woman was the equal to my partner. This seems simple enough and maybe obvious,
but you wouldn’t believe how many nice young men I’ve dated who balked at the
idea that I was equally accountable, important, hardworking, smart, deserving etc.
as them. I can’t really blame them with the way we raise boys and girls to
devalue everything that is associated with being female. Of course, my insistence
on equity was going to blow their mind and threaten their long held beliefs.
And for clarification, when I say I demand equity in a relationship and in
society, I am NOT saying I am the same as a man. I am saying I deserve the same
respect, value and opportunities as a man. And maybe that’s where many feminists get
snagged in these types of conversations with family, friends, and strangers is
because people assume feminism is saying
women are better than men (which they aren’t) or by having gender equality
under the law and in practice is saying women and men are the same. A feminist
relationship acknowledges women’s value as just as important and significant as
men’s. A feminist relationship is a true partnership of equals. Not a
parent/child relationship or any of the pretty metaphors we have heard to
justify placing men as the sole leaders and controllers of relationships; remember
My Big Fat Greek Wedding’s famous line “The man is the head, but the woman is
the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.” Sure it sounds
empowering but it still supports the hierarchal component of patriarchy. If we
as feminist want to end hierarchal oppression of groups with privilege over
those without we need to confront the hierarchy that has been traditionally
structured our romantic relationships.
Confronting Privilege (In Ourselves and in
Our Partners)
As a white, cisgender,
college educated, able-bodied woman, legally married to a white, educated,
able-bodied man we have a lot of privilege. As feminists it’s our obligation to
acknowledge our privileges, as uncomfortable as that may be, and use our
privilege to help those who are not privileged like the LGBTQ+ community,
people of color, the disabled etc. Confronting privilege takes the form of
calling out our use of language. Saying “that’s so gay”, “that’s retarded”, “That
test raped me” or the use of the “N word” in jest are all products of privilege.
This could be hard, nobody likes to be corrected by their partner, and it could
be interpreted at criticism. It could have easily been a slip, but it’s so
important that we as feminists keep ourselves and our partners accountable. I
have been called out by my partner and I have told him to “check your privilege”.
This can be done in a gentle, joking manner without berating and lecturing your
partner. Male privilege can make it especially hard for a male identified
partner to understand or see the struggles of sexism and patriarchy, there may
be defensiveness, denial, and maybe guilt that comes with being part of a
privileged group. This is where the work of feminism and relationships can be
especially frustrating but ultimately, if he is willing to listen, and if she
is willing to speak of her experiences with sexism and discrimination, rewarding.
There can be understanding even if he still doesn’t agree with her completely.
Negotiating Gender Roles
This I feel is going to be
super obvious and some feminists may wonder why this is it even being
addressed. As feminists we know that gender is socially constructed and we know
that women should be able to work outside the home and men be stay at home
dads, without their gender being compromised and yet, the reality is that
gender roles in hetero relationships play a huge role in the way couples
interact with each other. A real world
example would be the division of labor between men and women. Women are working in the labor force, at the
same hours, doing the same things, yet they are still doing most of the
housework. Some women still expect men to not express too much emotion, or to
communicate about their feelings. A feminist relationship isn’t asking that
women not stay at home with their children and do domestic work or men to not
be the bread winner; it is also not keeping people in these confined boxes. A
feminist relationship requires us to question are own motives and expectations
of our partners. It could be the expectation that your male partner will take
out the trash, not because you asked him or he volunteered but because that is
the traditional male chore. Having conversations and collaborating together
about how the house should be run and what kind of expectations, while being
aware of how gender is influencing these expectations is important in a
feminist relationship.
Valuing and Celebrating Each Other’s
Contributions
A feminist relationship,
however the division of labor is arranged, who works, who makes more money, who
cares for the children, all the contributions to the relationship are
celebrated and valued. We have a tendency in this society to put a higher value
on contributions that have monetary value. That’s why childcare and domestic
work is undervalued but not because it is less work. It doesn’t make income and
is easily dismissed. Any good relationship values the partner and their
contribution and that is especially true in a relationship based on feminist
principles. When we value the work that doesn’t bring in the cash we are
redressing the balance of power that tends to give the partner who makes more
money more control in the relationship. Celebrating a partner’s contribution is
one of the best ways to demonstrate love, and by loving and valuing a partner
we have a healthier, happier relationship.
Conclusion
Relationships are hard and a
lot of work, and trying to root a relationship in feminism will be a lot more
work; but if we expect our homes and relationships to be based on equity,
respect, dignity and value, we start a precedent for our children and these
principles will no longer be a theory or a lip service, but will be an
actuality. We will then be paving a way that will lead the future generations
to social justice and reproductive rights, marriage equality, and the gender
wage gap won’t be these massive battles for our children to fight, or if they
are, they are equipped with the tools to continue our work.
